“We must risk joy. We must have the stubbornness to allow our joy in the merciless stove of this world.”
I read these phrases by Jack Gilbert in an extract of a book whose English title had attracted me at first. Although the book did not convince me further, these sentences remained and I was fascinated by the thought “being in a state of continuous amazement.” I followed the idea of “living out of stubborn joy as I can” and found myself in a wave of emotions. Because for several days I tried to formulate the text for this page, but did not find the words that could express what I actually wanted to say here. I wrote and rejected my texts several times because I felt that each time I described what I had experienced, but I did not really capture what I thought about it. The word didn’t want to come to me and I was stressed.
Then I read a special section in “Big Magic: Creative living beyond the fear,” in which a mental excursion to the poet Jack Gilbert was made. As a professor he urged his students to be unafraid for “without fearlessness they would never recognize the world in all the wealth that it desires from us to recognize.” Drawn by the content and the range of the word “fearlessness,” it manifested what I intended to do to leave a world that destroyed me and build a new world. I wanted to be fearless because I knew that the core of my freedom was hidden in it.
I realized that I prefer to go on an adventure, to face my own creativity fearless and to acquire and experience the world in a creative life. At the same time I realized that the fearless joy of the things of this world, and above all of the creativity that reflection of things would entail, would require a lot from me. Because I couldn’t. I couldn’t be fearless. My anxiety disorder was the tightly anchored scare of a world where I couldn’t handle it because I didn’t understand it. I had learned the fear but I longed for “fearless.” Countless books of thoughts full of texts about the longing for a world without fear lined my shelves in an apartment that I had built into a castle. This is where fearlessness should be born? In a world full of fear?
My creativity was undoubtedly a component that had fallen as a victim to my fear. It could not flourish at all where permanent social fears contradicted a personal expression. I had no idea how to express myself when I learned to take me in the background and suppress needs and could not reject at my border. I was a product of this society and so she gave birth to someone who was frightened when someone else was there and set social rules that I didn’t understand. I was the perfect screw in the infinitely rotating transmission.
If I want to drive forward fearless, I have to face the fearlessness in a process. Because the fearlessness isn’t there just because I want it. An inner maturity process formed from the preparation against the socialization of my past, in which I must endure the inner confrontation. Because I want to know it. I want to know what it’s like to listen to my inspiration and inner compass, to follow their calls and to acquire the life I deserve. The emancipation of social guidelines is for me a healing possibility, which will give me back the world in which everything is possible. I have so much desire to be fearless because I feel that there is an incredible wealth there. I can see which world is waiting for me and how it longs to be recognized by me. In texts, in artistic projects and conflicts, in being and in doing. In my texts on this page I write about the fight for my fearlessnes, about my courage to go on, about my changes and fears on the way there and my joy, which I will “press perpendicularly against the merciless stove of this world.“
“Do you have the courage?
Do you have the courage to create this work?
The treasures hidden in you hope that you will say ‘yes’. “
- WHY I ALWAYS HAVE A KNIFE IN MY POCKET“I would have liked to know at 16 that the only thing that stands between us and life is our own fear, and that we must not feed it by giving in to it. I would have liked to know that there is no change without paying for it with fear, and how wonderfully happy and free it makes to do things you are afraid of.”
- THE GRIZZLYAcquiring a piece of land here in France and following the idea that there could be a better world is the salvation attempt of my soul. It is the hope of escaping the system and creating a space that could make another life possible. The risk of cutting out and looking for more is a challenge to life itself, which has awakened my thirst for adventure.
- TIME OF STORMSWithout any doubt the times of new beginnings are those in which our heart, our head and our emotions wander through ups and downs and we set off straight away in a sailing boat into the high seas to discover new continents. We encounter some rough weather that tosses our boat back and forth and we fear that our boat will be torn apart. It groans and creaks, the wood bends under the heavy weight… TIME OF STORMS weiterlesen
- SOMEWHEREI will search for me. Out there somewhere, between the fields. I will dig in the earth, pass through the forests, eat french delicacies and bathe in the sun. I’m sure – I’m out there somewhere waiting for me. Ich werde nach mir suchen. Da irgendwo draußen, zwischen den Feldern. Ich werde in der Erde graben, durch die Wälder streifen, mich an französischen Köstlichkeiten sattessen und in der Sonne baden. Ich bin mir ganz sicher… SOMEWHERE weiterlesen